IT’S TIME FOR [DOWD] TO GO: Try to believe what the columnist said. Here are the first three grafs of her Saturday column. Try to believe that she actually made the ludicrous statement we highlight:
DOWD (4/21/07): Whether or not the country is ready to elect a woman president or a black president, it's definitely not ready for a metrosexual in chief.Try to grasp what this columnist seems to have said. According to the barely sane Maureen Dowd, John Kerry lost the 2004 White House campaign because he requested Swiss cheese —instead of Cheez Whiz —when he ordered a cheese steak in Philly. Similarly, George Bush the Elder supposedly “drove his New Hampshire campaign off the road by requesting ‘a splash’ more coffee.”)
In presidential politics, it's all but impossible to put the man into manicure. Be sensitive, but not soft. Effete is never effective. Not much has changed since George H. W. Bush drove his New Hampshire campaign off the road by requesting ''a splash'' more coffee at a truck stop.
John Kerry sank himself by windsurfing in spandex and ordering a cheese steak in Philly with Swiss instead of Cheez Whiz.
Yes —that actually is what Dowd said. The fact that she could make such foolish remarks points to a national problem.
Make no mistake, Kerry was damaged by silly stories during Campaign 04. (Below, we’ll take note of Dowd’s flip-flop about his disturbing wind-surfing.) But no —Kerry didn’t lose the 04 campaign because he once asked for Swiss cheese on a steak. Only a fool could think such a thing. And only a fool would make this claim in the manner Dowd does in her column —without the slightest sign of understanding how bizarre such a thought really is.
Kerry lost —because he asked for Swiss cheese! In paragraph 2, the scribe said that!
But then, Dowd has long been a public fool —one of your “press corps’” leading idiots. Just a guess: It has been years since Dowd made a sincere statement in a Times column; for her, as for so many in her sad cohort, our politics really is “fun,” “entertainment” and “sport,” as Margaret Carlson told Imus. (See THE DAILY HOWLER, 6/16/03. Scroll down to “Howler history.”) Is Maureen Dowd ever sincere in the various weird things she says? Can she even recall what sincerity is? Her columns are endlessly loaded with nonsense —with cat-like quips which define her throw-back style, and her gross insincerity.
No, Kerry didn’t lose in 2004 because he asked for Swiss on a cheese steak. But then, George H. W. Bush didn’t “drive his New Hampshire campaign off the road by requesting ‘a splash’ more coffee at a truck stop,” as Dowd claimed in Saturday’s paragraph 2. As we’ll show you below, it isn’t clear that Bush even made this iconic remark —it may be another of Dowd’s invented “quotations.” And Bush ended up winning that 1988 New Hampshire primary —and then the nomination, and then the White House. Indeed, Bush’s stop at that New Hampshire truck stop was often cited, in 1988, as the moment when he salvaged a failing campaign! But so what? Today, Dowd reinvents this apocryphal incident, in service to her endless hiss-spitting at Edwards. But then, Dowd has long self-displayed as an empty-souled fool. If we care a fig about our discourse, it’s time for her to go.
Below, we hash a few aspects of Dowd’s newest column. But readers, let’s get one thing straight. If you think your country’s discourse matters, it’s time for this crackpot to go.
ANTOINETTE’S LATEST PRONOUNCEMENT: How foolish is the latest pronouncement from our press corps’ number-one Antoinette? In Saturday’s column, Dowd pretends to be deeply disturbed by the price of John Edwards’ haircuts. (And make-up.) But uh-oh! She has her facts wrong, as she constantly does, and her logic doesn’t make much sense either. How dare he spend so much for a haircut? For Dowd, it leads her back to her dad in the blessed ’50s —and to her crazy brothers:
DOWD: Speaking of roots, my dad, a police detective who was in charge of Senate security, got haircuts at the Senate barbershop for 50 cents. He cut my three brothers' hair and did the same for anyone else in the neighborhood who wanted a free clip job. Even now, Mr. Edwards could get his hair cut at the Senate barbershop for $21 or the Chapel Hill Barber Shop near his campaign headquarters for $16.It’s hard to know how any of this leads back to the habits of Maureen Dowd’s dad. Meanwhile, Dowd herself has written columns about what perfect crackpots her brothers are, so it’s hard to see why we’re now supposed to emulate their hoary upbringing.
So it's hard for me to understand how a guy could spend $400 without getting Bergdorf Blonde highlights. (The tabloids claim that Brad and Jen used to get matching streaks.) And don't campaign donors get snippy about sponsoring tonsorial treats?
But then, the foolishness is never far off when you read a column by Dowd. One part of that passage is pure Dowdism: Edwards could have gotten his cut at the Senate shop, she says —except for the fact he was in California! Of course, there are cheaper ways to get a haircut there than the one Edwards actually chose. Which leads us ahead to Dowd’s great pronouncement —her Current Great Thought on the world:
DOWD (continuing directly): Someone who aspires to talk credibly about the two Americas can't lavish on his locks what working families may spend on electricity in a year. You can't sell earnestness while indulging in decadence.Get that? According to Dowd, Edwards can’t “talk credibly” about working-class or poverty issues if he’s spending too much for his haircut. Plainly, this is the basic idea Dowd presents in this latest column.
Of course, according to this brand of “logic,” Bobby Kennedy couldn’t “talk credibly” about poverty in Appalachia and the Mississippi Delta. After all, he lived in a big, fancy house —a Virginia mansion which had its own name —and he was frequently spotted on fancy sailboats. And FDR couldn’t “talk credibly” about Social Security from his grand manse in Hyde Park. What actually happened in California? Getting his hair cut on the fly, Edwards called a dude who traveled to him —and charged a very high price. From this point of utter trivia, the press corps’ leading Antoinette is prepared to draw a vast, sweeping judgment. As she continues, she helps us see how fake this guy actually is. Be sure you’re seated before you read this. It also helps if you’ve been drugged:
DOWD (continuing directly): Mr. Edwards, the son of a mill worker, moved from a $5.2 million, six-bedroom Federal mansion in Georgetown to a 28,000-square-foot behemoth in North Carolina with a basketball court, a squash court, two stages and a swimming pool.Did you follow the reasoning here? John Edwards lives in a very big house! And his daughter co-founded a web site!
His 25-year-old daughter, Cate, a former editorial assistant for Vanity Fair, co-founded Urbanista, an online Rolodex that dispenses advice for ''hip'' girls in Manhattan, offering to be a ''bestie'' (a best friend) and answer questions like ''Where should I go to get my Marc Jacobs shoes reheeled?'' and ''Does anyone know the best place to get a really great haircut?'' One salon the site recommends is Warren-Tricomi, where Edward Tricomi says haircuts range from $121 to $300.
Pathetic, isn’t it? Now we’re trashing a major pol as a big faker/phony —based on something completely innocuous which his daughter (allegedly) did. But then, there’s nothing so stupid this cohort won’t say it, if it can be used to advance their grand theories. On Christmas Eve 1999, for example, the Post’s Al Kamen declared Gore a big phony because of the photographic process used on his family’s Christmas card! (See THE DAILY HOWLER, 12/24/99.) Here at THE HOWLER, we received that card; it looked very much like the Christmas cards which other smiling families send out. So let’s repeat: There’s nothing so stupid these people won’t say. That’s why it’s time for their most foolish prophet to pack her pink satchel and go.
Should Edwards have paid big bucks for a haircut? Politically, no —he should not have. Given the state of our modern “press corps,” this kind of coverage was sure to follow. But only a fool could actually think that a man who lives in a big house (or who pays big bucks for a cut-on-the-run) is therefore unable to “speak credibly” about his nation’s alleged economic inequities. Dowd, of course, doesn’t care about that sort of thing (link below); like other people who care about nothing, she often seems eager to make the claim that no one else cares about anything either. But the notion that Edwards can’t “speak credibly” about such issues because of a web site his daughter(allegedly) co-founded? Only a fool could produce such mean thoughts. And that’s why these losers must go.
BRIEF INTERLUDE: Remember; when people like Dowd pursue such nonsense, they tend to do so very selectively. Have you ever seen work done on John McCain’s money? On the house he lives in with his (rich) second wife? Have you ever seen a column about how much Bush’s suits cost? Do you think a columnist couldn’t invent a story-line to justify that kind of nonsense?
THE SAINT AND THE SAPPHIRE: And then, of course, as we’ve long shown you, the facts will always get ground into dust when losers like Dowd seek to pimp their Grand Visions. Such “journalists” always reshape their facts. Consider this piece of High Dowdism:
DOWD: Following his star turn primping his hair for two minutes on a YouTube video to the tune of ''I Feel Pretty,'' Mr. Edwards this week had to pay back the $800 charged to his campaign for two shearings at Torrenueva Hair Designs in Beverly Hills. He seems intent on proving that he is a Breck Girl —and a Material Boy.Yes, she had to include her standard gender-based jibes about Edwards “feeling pretty” and being “the Breck Girl.” But consider the way Dowd hissed/spat about the Pink Sapphire —the “pricey” Manchester spa.
He did not pony up for the pricey bills from Designworks Salon in Dubuque, Iowa, or the Pink Sapphire spa in Manchester, which offers services for men that include the ''Touch of Youth'' facial, as well as trips ''into the intriguing world of makeup.'' The Edwards campaign calls makeup a legitimate expense.
How insincere is Dowd’s outraged passage about this deeply-troubling spa? Start with this: Edwards didn’t get that “Touch of Youth” facial —the facial Dowd lovingly puts in her column. And while we’re at it, how about Dowd’s logic in the last part of that passage? In fact, we’d assume that every campaign considers makeup for TV appearances “a legitimate campaign expense” —and that, of course, is what Edwards purchased. Does anyone go on TV without makeup? This brings us to the newspaper story which appeared in New Hampshire this Wednesday, and then was quickly deep-sixed.
Wednesday morning, the Manchester Union-Leader–one of the country’s most conservative newspapers–rolled its eyes at the “Pink Sapphire” part of this developing story. In a front-page news report, John Whitson quoted Ariana Franggos, the Manchester woman who did Edwards’ makeup. Whitson then made an obvious point:
WHITSON (4/18/07): Franggos said she thinks Edwards...is being damned for something every politician does: apply makeup before surrendering to the scrutiny of TV cameras.Duh! Presumably, every politician has makeup applied before he or she does a TV interview. If the candidate is being interviewed from a remote location, he must hire a makeup person himself. And yes, such people do pretty much get paid. Did Edwards pay big crazy money to Franggos (“pricey bills”)? Sorry. Here’s the start of Whitson’s report:
In fact, it's unlikely a national candidate has participated in a debate or formal interview au natural since Richard Nixon's infamous meltdown while pitted against John F. Kennedy in 1960.
WHITSON (pgh 1): Reports that a local day spa for women did John Edwards' makeup for $225 are, like the candidate's hair, greatly overblown.No one has challenged this information, which means that Franggos charged Edwards $75 per session —sessions for which she presumably had to travel to Edwards’ location. No, that isn’t a high, shocking rate —and Edwards isn’t the only “political hopeful” who has paid such “pricey bills” from Franggos. Uh-oh! Guess who else has been made up by Franggos? Omigod! It’s just too perfect! Our greatest living saint, John McCain!
Ariana Franggos, co-owner of Pink Sapphire on Elm Street, said yesterday she's applied makeup for the Democratic Presidential candidate several times in recent months before television appearances, and $225 covers about three sessions.
Franggos, who has run the makeup boutique and day spa for three years, said she's carved out a niche for herself through contacts at WMUR-TV. After applying makeup for employees there, she said, word got out and political hopefuls have come calling.
WHITSON (continuing directly): Both sides of the aisle are welcome.Omigod! The dragon-lady from the pricey Pink Sapphire made McCain “look pretty” too! And she even did Dennis Kucinich! Maybe he needs to shut up now too!
"I literally don't talk politics," she said. "I just go in and do their makeup."
Franggos made John McCain look pretty and hid the flaws on Dennis Kucinich. "I'm definitely not picky about it," she said, referring to political party.
Let’s repeat —Whitson’s report graced the Union-Leader’s front page Wednesday morning. In it, he rolled his eyes at the way the “Pink Sapphire and its $225 services were lumped into the mix” when the AP wrote its initial report about Edwards’ troubling haircuts. But Whitson’s debunking report was ignored in DC; it wasn’t picked up by the Hotline, for example, and Nexis records no other citations anywhere in the national press. Result? Three days later, Dowd was still describing the pretty-boy services Edwards didn’t purchase from the Pink Sapphire. And she forgot to say that McCain and Kucinich had used the spa’s makeup work too.
But then, they always reinvent and select their facts to produce their pleasing, dumb-as-rocks stories. Dowd has done this for year after year. If you doubt that, let’s revisit her work in 1988, when she was still a Times reporter.
This takes us back to that truck stop visit by Candidate Bush in 1988 —the one Dowd described in paragraph 2 of Saturday’s column. According to Dowd’s hiss/spitting account, Bush the Elder “drove his New Hampshire campaign off the road by requesting ‘a splash’ more coffee at a truck stop.” This claim is just completely bogus, like so much of the tripe Dowd writes. But then, Dowd has long been just this side of delusional. Unless you think our lives are a joke, it’s time for this big kook to go.
