After a quiet holiday season, The Little City Weed Mailbox is filled once again with local goodness. Thank you for your readership and kind letters. The ones written in giant block letters using red crayon are a bit scary ... but in a delightfully good way.
Dear Weed: I have a substandard lot in Falls Church. I figure I am within my rights to divide my property into 10,000 really tiny lots and sell them off to my big-endian commoner friends. They are great builders, whom I would expect would greatly improve the aesthetic of the land. Do you think I can do this without causing the usual civil commotion? Respectfully, The Emperor of Lilliput.
Dear Emperor: You must not be from around here. I would go big on the issue. Start a blog. Circulate a petition. Start a whisper campaign disparaging neighbors who disagree with you. Maybe even retain a giant to destroy the fleet of your opponent so that overbuilt tiny lot little-endism can reign again in The Little City.
Dear Weed: Your immediate assistance is needed. I am the son of an official representative of a nearby county, recently wrongfully deposed by a group of officials intent on making off with a hidden reserve of water funds known only to a few political insiders. Due to loss of credentials in the coup my interests are currently unable to release funds. If you could use your influence to help us secure a loan, with a small down payment, you would be entitled to a ransom in the form of a $2,000,000 return on investment, paid in appreciation of your assistance. Please immediately provide a wire transfer of $200,000 on Falls Church City Taxpayer Letterhead to the attention of my legal representative. Sincerely, The (Former) High Councilor and Crown Prince Potentate of the Empire of Blefuscu.
Dear Former: Meh. Why not? It could not be any worse than all the other recent boiler room scams designed to get at The Little City taxpayer dollars.
If the City Manager weeps when he proposes the city budget, is it more or less likely I will get the raise for which I have waited three years? Yours truly, A Very Patient City Worker.
Dear Patient: An excellent question with which I struggle to answer. I would point out my good friend the City Manager has so far ignored my suggestion to forever level set crazy city politics by wearing a Start Trek uniform to a meeting of city council. Plus I do not think people from Charlottesville have tear ducts.
Dear Weed: How do feel about being a colleague of and sharing a masthead with the great Helen Thomas? Signed, I knew You When You Were Nobody
Dear Knew: Years ago, I ran into Ms. Thomas at an airport and she smiled and winked at me. So part of me thinks this is an end-of-days plot to ratchet up the crazy. But now I sound like Tom Whipple, except with no reference to big oil.
Michael Gardner is a quixotic citizen and founder of the Blueweeds community blog.